People frequently say, "You must be prepared, since you've had all of this time to think about it." They mean that I must be prepared for the end of Mama's life. They're expressing just what common sense would suggest. The truth is that this kind of caregiving feels more like a neverending race than a slow, considered march to a final destination. Sometimes, it's like aerobic exercise - I'm gasping for enough air to go on. There's no time for preparing or processing what's happening with Mama, or with me.
A situation like this makes it very difficult for a caregiver to keep a realistic perspective. Living so much "from moment to moment" is really counter to standing on a mountaintop, looking down and seeing the big picture. My guess is that caregivers lose touch with an elder parent's trajectory toward ultimate decline and become overconfident about their own resilience and energy reserves. They may be making unreasonable demands on themselves in a last attempt to retrieve the elder parent's ebbing physical and mental abilities. I have seen caregivers enforce difficult exercise regimens for 90 year-olds, hoping to restore long-atrophied muscles. Others overdo puzzles and mind games long after dementia patients will benefit from them.
Take time to look realistically at what is happening and do it away from the caregiving setting. Where are you and your parent in the long-term caregiving process? What would an objective observer say about your parent's stage of life and your level of commitment? Are you putting your efforts where they can truly make a difference, or are you working toward unrealistic goals? Is acceptance becoming a reality for you?
