Separate the Person from the Illness

There is wisdom in reducing attachment to material things. I have yet to reach that desired state, so a recent event was very upsetting to me. Mama was having breakfast at a table in her bedroom, and she knocked over her glass of prune juice. The big brown stain on the light-colored carpet in our home set off an explosion of intense emotions in me. Thoughts spun around in my head - "I try so hard to keep this room clean!" "How could that happen?" "I'll never be able to get the stain out!" "What else can go wrong!" "I can't do this any longer!" The message I want to share is that none of this explosion landed on Mama. I poured out my strong feelings later to my husband and friends, but I never showed anger, disappointment, or blame to Mama. Getting to this place of acceptance and self discipline took practice.

It was about eight years ago that I found out about Mama's progressive dementia. A geriatric care manager came to our home after the diagnosis to do a care assessment. She observed our family's interaction with Mama. One of her comments has remained with me - "You separate the person from the illness. That's very good." I wouldn't have thought of this as rare. In fact, I probably wouldn't have even noticed my behavior. Thanks to that excellent care manager, I have built on her observation and tried to develop my awareness that Mama can't remember to change her behavior to do better next time. Her life is lived in the moment. She doesn't respond to criticism except to further withdraw into her interior world.

Small dramas like the one I have described are repeated daily for many caregivers. Even the well-intended can lose their patience and find themselves in a disastrous cycle of blame and guilt. The next time one of these emotional events happens, remember the wise geriatric care manager - the illness is to blame, not the person. This new perspective can relieve tension and restore respectful behavior.

P.S. I attest to the powers of Oxi-Clean. With several applications, the prune juice stain disappeared.